The Compliment Crisis: Why We're All Starving for Good Words (And How 30 Seconds Can Spark Belonging)

Written By Eli Walker

The Neuroscience of Nice: Why Your Brain Needs Praise (And How to Give It)

Several years ago, Drunk Yoga® landed a "Coffee Yoga" series with Kellogg's at their pop-up location in Union Square in New York City. For quality control, I taught the first class to activate the series before handing the weekly sessions off to my instructors. I'm glad I did, because during that class, I received the best compliment of my life.

First, for context: Drunk Yoga®'s whole thing is turning yoga classes into drinking games. These include:

  1. If you lose your balance, take a sip.

  2. If you mix up your left and right, you have to say something you're grateful for.

  3. If you take a sip out of turn, you must give your teacher a compliment.

(…among others).

During this particular class at Kellogg's, one of my front row students took a sip of her coffee without me instructing to do so. Cue: "Give the teacher a compliment."

I playfully said, "Ope!" in my die-hard Wisconsin accent. "You took a sip out of turn. Now you have to say something nice about me." Hair toss

My student laughed, but then, with grounded sincerity, looked me in the eyes and said, "You have such an incredible sense of self-possession. More than anyone I've ever met."

Woah. What a cool compliment. I was beyond flattered. Not only did I feel seen, plus all the natural human dopamine hits from social praise most of us experience, but I learned a thing our two about myself:

  1. That all of my personal development work over the years was paying off.

  2. The fact that I was so thrilled to hear that I came across as someone with "self-possession" told me that this is a core value of mine, and I should keep leaning into it. (A perfect example of how we know ourselves best in relation to others.)

…Not to mention compliments are freaking awesome and we should all do more of it.

From then on, I made sure to include the following drinking games in every Drunk Yoga® event:

  1. When you spill on your mat, you must give yourself a compliment.

  2. When you spill on your neighbor's mat, you must give them a compliment.

I think most of us can agree that on the deepest level, praise feels great—even if on the surface it's hard to know how to receive them. But here's what I didn't realize in that moment: I wasn't just experiencing a nice interaction. My brain was literally lighting up like a Christmas tree, activating the same reward pathways as if someone had just handed me cash. And in our increasingly disconnected world, moments like these aren't just nice to have—they're neurological necessities.

The Crisis We're Not Talking About

We're living through what I call a "praise deficit disorder." Despite being more connected than ever through technology, we're starving for genuine acknowledgment. The numbers are staggering:

52 million U.S. adults struggle with daily loneliness. That's roughly one in five people walking around feeling fundamentally unseen and unheard. Even more telling? 30% of adults experience feelings of loneliness at least once a week, while 10% say they're lonely every single day.

But here's the kicker: the loneliest demographic isn't teenagers glued to their phones or isolated seniors. It's people aged 30-44—29% report being "frequently" or "always" lonely. These are people in the thick of their careers, raising families, seemingly "having it all together." Yet they're drowning in a sea of surface-level interactions, desperately craving someone to notice them, really see them, and reflect back their worth.

The health implications are terrifying. Social isolation significantly increases the risk of premature death from all causes, rivaling the risks of smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity. We're literally dying from a lack of connection—and authentic compliments are one of the simplest antidotes we have.

Your Brain on Compliments: The Science Behind the Magic

When that student told me I had "incredible self-possession," my brain didn't just think, "How nice." It threw a neurochemical party. Here's what was actually happening:

Receiving compliments activates the same brain reward areas (like the striatum) as receiving monetary gifts. An MRI study showed that praise literally lights up your brain's reward center the same way cold, hard cash does. No wonder compliments feel so good—your brain is treating them like treasure.

But it gets better. After learning a new skill, receiving praise improves the brain's ability to remember and repeat that skill. Researchers at Japan's National Institute for Physiological Sciences found that compliments don't just make us feel good in the moment—they actually rewire our brains to perform better. That compliment about my self-possession? It wasn't just validating past growth; it was programming future success.

Here's the part that blew my mind: Even the anticipation of praise raises dopamine levels. Just expecting recognition creates the same neurochemical effect as actually experiencing it. Your brain is so wired for social connection that simply imagining someone noticing your efforts triggers a reward response.

Yet despite this hardwired need for praise, we're terrible at giving it. Over 90% of people believe we should compliment each other more, yet we routinely underestimate how positive an impact our praise will have by massive margins. We're sitting on a superpower and refusing to use it.

Breaking the Fourth Wall: Why Compliments Spark Belonging

In my work around belonging, I talk a lot about "breaking the fourth wall"—those moments when we drop the performance and connect authentically with another human being. Compliments are master key moments for this kind of connection.

Think about it: when someone gives you a genuine compliment, they're essentially saying, "I see you. I've been paying attention. You matter enough for me to pause my own busy life and reflect your worth back to you." In those 30 seconds, you're no longer strangers performing your respective roles—you're two humans acknowledging each other's humanity.

That's exactly what happened in my yoga class. What started as a silly drinking game rule became a moment of profound recognition. My student wasn't just following instructions; she was seeing me clearly and choosing to articulate that vision. In return, I felt truly witnessed—not as "the yoga teacher" or "the business owner," but as a whole person worthy of genuine acknowledgment.

The difference between performative praise and genuine acknowledgment is everything. Empty compliments ("Great job!") bounce off us like hollow platitudes. But specific, authentic recognition ("You have such incredible self-possession") penetrates straight to our core because it proves someone has truly seen us.

The Ripple Effect Nobody Expects

Here's something fascinating: giving compliments activates YOUR reward center too. fMRI studies of couples show that when we choose to compliment others, it lights up the dopaminergic reward system in our own brains, particularly the ventral striatum. We're literally wired to feel good when we make others feel good.

This creates what researchers call "emotional contagion" in groups. Those who praise others report feeling "energized and wanting to work harder to reach their own goals." One genuine compliment doesn't just lift the receiver—it elevates the giver and ripples outward to everyone who witnesses the interaction.

I've seen this firsthand in Drunk Yoga® classes. When someone gives a heartfelt compliment, the entire room's energy shifts. People sit up straighter, smile wider, engage more fully. It's like watching a live demonstration of how starved we are for authentic recognition and how quickly we bloom when we get it.

Imagine if we applied this intentionally in our workplaces, families, and communities. What would happen if we committed to catching people doing things right instead of only speaking up when something goes wrong?

Overcoming the Awkwardness

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Ugh, no. I compliments. It’s always so cringe” …I get it—giving compliments can feel awkward, especially if you're not used to it. We resist for all sorts of reasons: fear of seeming fake, vulnerability hangover from putting ourselves out there, or cynicism about whether it even matters.

On the receiving end, we're just as bad. We deflect ("Oh, this old thing?"), minimize ("I was just doing my job"), or outright reject genuine praise. Psychologists call this "self-verification theory"—we have a drive to maintain our existing self-concept, even when someone offers us a more positive view.

But here's the thing: the awkwardness fades with practice, and the benefits compound immediately. Start small:

  • "I love how thoughtful you were with that question."

  • "Your energy completely shifted the mood of this meeting."

  • "The way you handled that situation was really impressive."

  • "I've learned so much from watching how you approach problems."

The key is specificity and sincerity. Generic compliments feel hollow because they are hollow. But when you name exactly what you noticed and why it mattered, people feel truly seen.

From Crisis to Connection: The 30-Second Solution

We're not just lonely—we're praise-deficient. And the cure isn't complex therapy or expensive interventions. It's 30 seconds of genuine attention and the courage to speak what we see.

Every day, we encounter people doing things well, showing up with grace, bringing their best selves to difficult situations. We notice these moments, feel appreciation, and then... we say nothing. We assume they already know, that it would be weird to mention it, that our words don't matter that much anyway.

But they do. They matter more than we can possibly imagine. That student's compliment about my self-possession became a north star for my personal development. What might your words become for someone else?

The Bottom Line

Compliments are crucial. In a world optimized for criticism, fixing, and improvement, genuine praise is an act of rebellion. It says, "I refuse to only see what's broken. I choose to notice what's working, what's beautiful, what's worth celebrating."

Your words have more power than you think. They can rewire brains, shift energy, create connection, and remind someone of their own worth in a world that constantly tells them they're not enough.

So here's my challenge: Who needs to hear from you today? What have you noticed about someone that you've never said out loud? What appreciation are you carrying that could change someone's entire week if you just found 30 seconds of courage?

The person right in front of you—whether it's your partner, your coworker, the barista, your kid, or the stranger holding the elevator—is probably more starved for genuine recognition than you realize. And you have the power to feed that hunger with something as simple as, "Hey, I noticed..."

In a world full of people desperately trying to be seen, the most radical thing you can do is, well…see them—and then tell them what you've witnessed. Your brain will thank you. Their brain will thank you. And slowly, one compliment at a time, we might just solve this crisis of connection we've created.

Start now. Start today. Start with the next person you see doing something worth noticing.

Because the world needs more people willing to say the good stuff out loud.

Resources:

Eli Walker
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